In the words of my favorite actress, “I want to be left alone...” As much as I fanaticized about uttering that dramatic phrase, never did I think I would truly mean it. And yet, dear friends, those (in)famous words from one of the world’s most elegant, beautiful actresses, Greta Garbo, are what I most readily identify with at this moment in my life. In case you haven’t noticed, but I’m sure you have, I have been hibernating quite a bit this winter—and it’s a good winter to do that.
My apologies for the delay since my last publication. Continuing with the theme from my last newsletter--honesty--I’d like to express myself a bit more personally than I have before in this public forum.
Now, if you’ll indulge me...
I’ve told friends and family, "well, I thought 2002 was the year for "two," or "true" love. Boy was I wrong! So, after being swept away in a whirlwind romance and engagement, I have learned a lot about me and my “betrothed.” In short, the marriage was not meant to be, and thus, we are getting a divorce. These past seven months have been devastating for me. I feel as if I’ve been completely turned on my head and as if everything in my life has turned around 180 degrees from where it was a year ago.
I have a “glass-half-full” type of nature so it took me a long time to realize the cold, bleak fact that after the market crash in April 2001 and then further devastation after 9/11, my business, like many, suffered. I held on tight for a long time, believing in the value of the services I provided and the enthusiasm I received from so many. But after a frightening Fall in San Francisco, I returned to New York City with eyes wide open.
When my plane landed back in New York, in the beginning of October, I felt as if I’d landed in Manhattan for the first time. And since I’ve been back, though mourning the loss of what I thought was true love and all the things I’d given up for it, I have never felt more peaceful in my birthplace. New York—-for all its toughness, dirtiness, corruptness, danger and ugliness is a far safer place for me than San Francisco. I am home again, and I’ve realized this is the place for me. I love it here. I love it for all its hardness and for all its beauty, brilliance, drama, elegance, sophistication, glamour, non-stop energy and all that this glorious city has to give.
Terrorists be damned. They’ll never break our spirit. And while mine is broken (temporarily), it’s good to be home for my healing. Coming back to New York after leaving a broken marriage, I was able to realistically look at the state of my business and its potential in the near and far term.
I’ve decided that my personal life will take precedence (for once) over my professional life. Prompted by dramatic changes in my personal life, I have decided to take a break from all the things I’d done for the past six years.
It truly is like another world, another life, a different time, a different person that I’ve come from. But I am enjoying this time of introspection, reflection, rejuvenation and recuperation.
I know I can have a great life and a great career ahead of me. But right now I couldn’t care if I lived out this blessed, wretched life in a simple, boring, uneventful way. I am sure my perspective will change once these life-changing hurdles have been hopped over, but for now-—that’s it. Grim, perhaps. But this is the real me today. I’m tired of putting on the happy, excited, enthusiastic face 24/7 when I’m truly exhausted.
Do I sound bitter? Don’t let it distract you because underneath this gruff layer is the same old sweet Courtney you knew and loved. So I put on a few pounds, so what?! It’s cold out there! ;)
As I’ve told friends and family, “2003 is the "Year For Me." I hope it’s a Year For You too, because that means that you’ll be doing what you want, which is the best thing. Going forward, I haven’t decided which pursuit I’ll follow first: a book? TV? Events? Other unexplored adventures? One thing I definitely am planning on is sleeping a lot more. I’m sure you can relate. After six years of working 20-hour days and maintaining a lifestyle that was coffee-on-espresso-with-a-shot-of-jet-fuel, a life of mellow, lazy, sleepy days is just fine with me.
Peace and Love,